WolfSpeak

Just finished watching the #BSG finale. I need a drink and then a dose of some stupid sit-com. Super intense!

I should probably blog more. You know, so I can drone on about things no one but me cares about.

Guinevere, 8/?/94 - 11/08/08

I lost one of my best friends today.

I first met her sometime in August of 1994, when my housemate Albert brought home a litter of three kittens he'd found in the bushes outside of his office, having been abandoned by their mother. They were ragged, hungry, mewing, and filthy. At first, I wanted nothing to do with any of them, thinking they were going to die. I didn't want to get attached. I let my housemates wash, feed, de-flea, and medicate them. But when I realized they were going to live, I finally helped. And one of them, the smallest of them, crawled into my lap while I was combing her with a flea comb. She was the only one of her litter with white fur and blue eyes. I wouldn't know it then, but that is usually an indication of deafness in cats, but she could hear perfectly well. I fell in love, then and there. There was a roommate meeting, and it was decided that a third cat could, indeed, join the house alongside Indy and Jasmine, the two current resident felines. I named her Guinevere, after one of the greatest ladies of legend. We called her Gwen.

We were inseparable. Having been parted from her mother at such a young age, and clearly being the runt of the litter, she never really grew out of her kneading habit. I would sit in a chair, and she would sit on my chest, kneading my neck, her tiny cold nose pressed up against my chin. As she grew older, she never grew out of the habit – even the last days, she would sit on my chest while I was watching TV, her sharp claws digging into the sensitive skin of my neck, her purring reverberating through the room. These were the peaceful moments – the moments when she would just sit with me, purring. She would then curl up on my chest, and I would stoke her back and rub her ears, and we'd both just enjoy each other.

I can't count how many nights I fell asleep with her curled up against my side, usually under the covers. I would wake up to her purring, licking my ears. Frequently she would hog the pillow. I remember when she was only a couple of years old, I would WANT her to sleep on the bed with me. She was normally such an independent spirit, that she would rather wander the house rather than snooze at my side. The nights that she would deign to curl up on my legs at the foot of the bed, I would be careful not to jostle her, so she'd stay with me in the night. After many years, I simply became accustomed to her being next to me, or on my legs, while sleeping. Even when it would annoy me and, exasperated, I'd toss her off the bed, she'd come right back until I gave up, and let her snuggle next to me. She wanted nothing more than to sit in my lap, or curl up near me. She almost never left my side – where I went, she went. She was part of me, and I was part of her.

She put up with a lot. Sharing a house with two other cats when she was a kitten. Then sharing a house with her litter-mate, Porthos, when I moved in with my then-girlfriend, who had similarly fell in love with one of the abandoned kittens. After that relationship ended, and she was separated from her brother, we were on our own for a few years. She handled it well – she would sit in the window waiting for me to come home, and as soon as I walked in the door, she'd get scooped up in my arms, get some fresh food, and before too long, would have some serious lap-time. She was understanding of having it just be the two of us – and she was very accommodating for those times that I didn't come home at night, or interrupted our flow by inviting friends over. She would typically hide under the bed, and unless anyone was there for any length of time, she was a ghost. The named, but unseen, addition to my life.

But she was always there. When I was lonely, she seemed to realize it and would spend extra time sitting with me. And when I had those moments, as we all do, when things were hardest, when tears fell unabashed from my face from loss, despair, or even just frustration, she would let me bury my face in her fur, and she would soak up my tears. And when I was happy, she would purr all the louder, filling the air with a mirror of my own emotions.

When I met, and fell in love with, Lisa, she adapted. We moved in to yet another home together, and made things work. She understood no longer having me all to herself. She adjusted to sleeping only on my right side, since Lisa was on the left. And she knew not to sleep between us. And, after a while, I think Lisa got used to those times when I would say good night and roll over, tucking my arm around my cat rather than my girlfriend, then fiancé, then wife.

After a time, though, things came to a head with her luxuriously long, white fur. It was getting all over Lisa's stuff. The solution? Another cat, this one belonging to Lisa. But there was a clear understanding – if anything ever happened to the relationship, the new cat would stay with me. She was getting a sibling, not just a house-mate. We were both willing and able. And that's when, in 1998, Calvin joined our family.

They didn't get along. They never really resolved their differences. That's what happens when one cat likes to bite, and the other likes to sleep and purr. But they worked it out, after she started to fight back and defend herself. I even caught her playing Calvin against us, taunting him until he'd pounce, and then she'd cry for help to get us to reprimand Calvin. And they'd play – running across the house chasing each other, making all sorts of noise. But I never saw blood, never saw a real fight, and I think in the end she was happy for the company.

She was endlessly patient. She stuck with me through nine different homes in two different states. She handled long road trips, short plane rides, and trips to both the vet and the grooming salon. She adjusted to my marriage, and, when my sons arrived, treated them with respect and never once did anything to harm or scare then, though she didn't exactly seek out their company. She would even sit quietly while the boys came up and pet her – as long as she was in my lap at the time. She didn't get too near anyone else – she would sniff at the boys, maybe jump in Lisa's lap every once in a long while. She was my cat, and I was her human, nothing else ever interrupted that fundamental relationship.

In recent years, she had some problems. She tended to throw up a lot, and we had to invest in a carpet steam-cleaner. She became a meow-fiend, raising a ruckus throughout the house on a whim, until we'd shout at her and throw a T-shirt in her direction. She had her fair share of accidents, peeing on a bed or bean-bag or something equally random. But she was never seriously ill, never really sick. More recently, though, she had more consistent diarrhea, and was much more vocal than she had been in the past, meowing much more. And she slept with me, under the covers, every single night. But I never thought anything of it.

Last Wednesday, I left on a business trip to San Francisco. I was gone for three days, two nights, returning Friday evening. While I was at the airport Friday evening, Lisa called me, in tears, to tell me that something was wrong with her. she wasn't moving well. She'd had some accidents that were, frankly speaking, beyond foul. She was hiding under the bed, meowing plaintively, and wouldn't come out. There was nothing I could do – I just had to get on the airplane, and hope I could help her when I got home.

I got her to the vet at about 11pm Friday night. They immediately admitted her into intensive care. The doctor on duty seriously explained to me that she was drastically underweight, severely anemic, and greatly dehydrated. They were running some tests, including seeing if there was an issue with diabetes, and would be putting fluids into her system. They heard a murmur in her heart, but weren't sure if that was more to do with the anemia, or because she had some sort of heart disease. They would administer fluids very carefully, because if it was heart disease, fluids pushed to aggressively could cause problems.

I was given an estimate on costs, none of which mattered, and was told to simply go home, and call back at about 6 or 7am for updates. Until then, they would take care of her, and she would probably be in the hospital for at least 2 or 3 days. But if something happened, they would call me.

Leaving her was incredibly hard. I've very rarely, if ever, slept in a house we've shared without her there, next to me. I've never had to leave her overnight in a hospital, in someone else's care. I petted her softly before I left. She was laying in a cage, under a towel, with an IV attached to a paw and blood pressure monitors checking her heartbeat. She looked at me as I said good night. Thinking back, I want to say she knew that she wouldn't see me again. I want to say that she said goodbye to me then. She didn't seem scared. She just seemed tired. She didn't purr – I didn't expect her to. I thought I would see her in the morning. I said goodnight, and I told her a loved her, and I gave her a kiss. But I didn't say goodbye. Not really.

The phone rang at 1:10am. The doctor explained that she'd gone into cardiac arrest. They'd intebated. They were performing CPR, and breathing for her. Every now and then she would breathe on her own, but it was more a gasp than a breath. They weren't sure if she was going to last the 20 minutes it would take me to get there. The doctor, who had just two hours previously told me that she believed more in quality of life than quantity, and that she did not see euthanasia as necessary at the time I brought her in, very seriously told me that letting her go would probably be the best thing. It was my decision, of course. Do I let her continue to suffer, struggling to breathe with tubes down her throat? Or just let her go then and there?

I'm still not sure I made the right choice. I had a vision of what would happen when she passed. In my vision, she'd be incredibly old, nearly ancient. In my vision, she'd be on special medication, and would have regular visits to the doctor to make sure she was comfortable. But even with that, there would be a day, a long ways in the future, where I would be sitting on the couch or laying in bed, and she would be laying on me. In my vision, she would be purring, and I would be stoking her head. And the purring would stop. And after a moment, I would realize that she'd stopped breathing. In my vision, she would pass in my lap, where she loved to be more than anywhere else, and she would be peaceful, and happy, and, most of all, with me.

Neither one of us got to enjoy my vision. She died in someone else's arms. And I have to mourn without holding her in mine.

I went to see her this morning, to finally say goodbye. I was warned that they put deceased animals in the freezer, and I had to be prepared. I was worried, but I shouldn't have been. She was curled up in her favorite position, and her eyes, thankfully, were closed. She looked peaceful, almost as if she were about to open her eyes, look at me, and I'd hear that rumbling purr once again fill the air. I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms and tell her it would be alright, but I didn't want to feel the stiffness, the lifelessness, through the towels she was wrapped in. I had to content myself with petting her head, rubbing her ears, and letting my tears soak into her fur her one last time.

She's been my constant companion for more than 14 years. She's been a comfort, a source of balance, a source of unconditional love, and one of my very best friends. She will be missed so very, very much.

I love you Guinevere. Goodbye.

Gratuitous Marketing Plug

It's been HOW long since I posted a blog here? And THIS is what I update with? I guess I am a marketing whore.

The Lego Indiana Jones demo is EXCLUSIVELY at www.gamesforwindows.com. Go there an download it. Here's the full release below. And yes, I really did just do that.

Be the first to discover “LEGO^® Indiana Jones™: The Original Adventures” with an exclusive demo on GamesForWindows.com

You don’t have to wait any longer to get a taste of all the adventure Indiana Jones™ has to offer. An exclusive downloadable Windows PC demo of upcoming Games for Windows branded title, “LEGO^® Indiana Jones™: The Original Adventures” is now available only on GamesForWindows.com.

For the next two weeks, gamers, movie buffs and adventurers can visit GamesForWindows.com and download the exclusive playable demo of the latest addition to the fantastic LEGO^® gaming franchise. With over 60 playable characters, dozens of memorable Indiana Jones™ scenes, and all of the charm that LEGO^® brings to gaming, “LEGO^® Indiana Jones™: The Original Adventures” is sure to be a hit with everyone.

Additionally, since “LEGO^® Indiana Jones™: The Original Adventures” will sport the Games for Windows brand, gamers are assured of a quality experience. Games for Windows titles offer easier installation, widescreen compatibility, and support for Windows Vista’s Parental Controls and the Xbox 360 Wireless Controller for Windows.

“LEGO^® Indiana Jones™: The Original Adventures” is rated “E 10+” for audiences 10 and up, and will hit store shelves on June 3, 2008.

I Won!

I honestly can't believe it.

I cranked out another astounding 4,683 words tonight on my novel, Hearthold, and officially puts me 536 words over the goal of 50,000 words for National Novel Writing Month. I did it. I won NaNoWriMo. And I have the pretty certificate and the icon to prove it. See?

It's actually kind of bizarre to have "won" NaNoWriMo. I honestly started out with good intentions, but never really seriously thought that I would accomplish the goal. I'd never written this much before, and while I've always talked about how someday I wanted to write a novel, I never really sat down to do it.

The novel isn't finished. In fact, my main concern now is that now that I actually accomplished the main goal I set out to do, which was write 50,000 words, I now no longer have the drive and overwhelming reason to sit down and write for two or three hours every night. But I have also been sending chapters to my mother after I finish them. While I honestly don't think the book is very complete or even very good, she seems to be thoroughly enjoying it, and I suspect that if I don't finish it soon, she'll be very angry at me. And I learned long ago that one should not anger one's mother.

I guess the next question is "what next?" Well, first off I do want to finish the novel. I think it will probably only take another couple of chapters, maybe another 10,000 words or so, depending on what direction I take things. That's one of the really interesting things about how this novel came together – I had no idea what was going to happen until I started writing it. There was only one time that I actually deleted a couple of paragraphs because I had a couple of characters go into a situation that I said, "No, that's not right and I don't want to do that," and so took them down a completely different path. But for the most part, I just made it up as I went along, and I'm actually rather pleased at how some things are going to get tied up, and how I'm leveraging some things I mentioned earlier in the novel at the end of it. But in any case, I need to finish it (so my Mom won't kill me) and then I'm not too sure. I'll let it sit for a couple of months, probably, and then I think I'll go back and do some editing. I don't seriously think it's of publishable quality, but I'd hate to write something only to never have anyone read it. Maybe I'll post it online, or give it to some friends to see what they think. We'll see.

In the short term, however, I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to actually spend some time with my wife after the kids go to bed rather than disappear and disconnect the first chance I get. Then I'm going to crack that shrink-wrap on Mass Effect, and get reacquainted with my Xbox 360 and Windows PC. It's been too long since I've had some good ol' Gaming Goodness™.

Home Stretch

I just passed 45,000 words, and I can hear the roar of near-victory. That certificate will be mine!

Breaking 40,000!

I'm writing so much in the evenings now in the last great big push to 50,000 words that I barely have the energy to update the blog. So I'll make it short.

3,640 words this evening. Current count at just over 41,800. Almost there!

Proliferation

Just finished the second of two really good days. Yesterday I cranked out 3,500 words, and got another 4,435 words down tonight. At just over 38,000 words, I'm feeling pretty good about crossing that 50,000-word finish line in the next week. As long as I can get another few good nights in, that is.

Cranking Away

I'm liking this whole holiday weekend thing. And I think I'm somewhat getting into the flow of really cranking out the story. Stuff is happening, and it's always more fun to write things when things are actually HAPPENING. In any case, I'm up over 30K now with another 4,364 words tonight.

By the way, I don't know that I've mentioned why I'm bothering to update this site every time I update my wordcount. I'm trying to track this progress for posterity, and I'm using this blog as a record of what I've accomplished when. So that I can look back on it next year, and either say "Okay, this is why I didn't make the word-count" or, ideally, say "this is what I did last year and it succeeded – I'll do that again". At least, that's the thought.

Short Week, Big Numbers

I'm getting somewhat caught up – while I haven't written anything over the last couple of days, I cranked out another 4,381 words tonight. I hope to get more done tomorrow, too, as work is really winding down. If there's ever been a week to catch up and surpass where I need to be, it's this week! Another couple of days like today, and I'll make the 50,000 words easy.

And thank you to everyone who wrote, called, and commented on my post about the panel I did. I appreciate the concern, support, and encouragement regarding my performance. So far the only news pickup has been a CNET News article on how "defensive" we were. I sort of which I'd been able to chat more with the author, or at least gotten asked the question "Why don't game developers focus on casual yet compelling games for those of us without an itchy trigger finger?" I would have been more than happy to talk about the huge install base at MSN Games and similar game services, the booming business PopCap games and similar game developers are doing with casual, pick-up-and-play games that don't require an itchy trigger finger, and how the casual gaming business is growing rapidly and has been for several years.

Maybe next time. :)